You love wine. Love love it. You may be well-versed in oaky vs. fruity vs. floral, or just desire an adult beverage to unwind at the end of another hellacious week. (That the adult beverage is wine kind of makes you sophisticated, at least in your head.) Here's a not-at-all scientific look at what your favorite wine says about you as a person.
1. You Heart It Red
Guess what, red wine fans? You're typically the smarter, richer, and happier of the wine drinkers - and you also drink more. Huh. Maybe the extra drinking is what makes you happy? Time to do some field studies!
You might not be an actual vampire, but sometimes (not always, mind you) you like to pretend that you're drinking blood instead of wine. It's a fun game left over from your college Goth phase and hurts no one. Pour yourself a glass of Chateau Julien Royalty Red and enjoy the night.
2. You Want It Whiter Than Vanilla Ice
Some people are all like "It doesn't matter if you like white wine instead of red, as long as you enjoy it," blah blah blah. This is false. If you prefer white wine, you're probably a homebody with no career aspirations.
You're also single and enjoy reality TV. Curl up on the couch and enjoy that Viognier, Sémillon, or Pinot Grigio - but remember that you're not drinking nearly as much as those red wine fans, and thus allow yourself a moment of smugness.
Wait, what about people who prefer rosé over white or red? Stop it. Those types don't exist.
3. You Don't Mind Giving the Wine Store All Your Money
You wear a "Wine Snob" badge with pride. You know that oak, time, and terroir are the hallmarks of a truly great (read: expensive) wine. Yeah, yeah; science has shown that the costly wines aren't necessarily better, but science also says things like "Climate change is bad." You're not falling for that nonsense.
You have a reputation to uphold. And that rep is built upon your well-stocked wine cellar with a buttload of wine that may or may not even get consumed in your lifetime. Your children need a legacy, after all! What better way to secure it than with a 2005 Château Pétrus?
4. You Would Like It in a Box
Boxed wine says you want to get right at it, and what better way to do it than from a tap in your refrigerator or on the countertop? Whether you're having a drink at home alone or having the entire posse over, the aim is to drink as quickly as possible. A screw-top bottle is also fine. Friends who judge you based on method of delivery are not really friends. More wine for you.
5. You Love Your Wine Drier Than the Sahara
Okay, so "dry" in conjunction with wine doesn't really mean…dry. It just means there's less sugar, and therefore less sweet. There are many white wines that fall into the dry category, including Pinot Gris, Riesling, and Chardonnay. Prefer reds? Try Merlot, Cabernet Franc, or Zinfandel.
If you're the "Give it to me dry" type, you've got a high tolerance for wines that make lesser humans curl into a fetal position. Sugar is for babies, and you ain't no baby.
6. You Crave "More Fruity Than Actual Fruit" Wine
You still wish you were a kid but also want to drink like an adult. The responsible part of you takes the food pyramid seriously (although isn't it the food plate now?) and knows that fruit makes up 10% of the daily recommendations for healthy Americans.
One of the oldest and sweetest wines is the marvelous Muscat Blanc; its pal Moscato is also perfect for the grown-up whose sweet tooth extends to alcoholic beverages. What makes these the best for the sugar fiend? Duh, wine is made up of grapes. And if it's super-sweet, that means it has lots of grapes, right? This one is such a no-brainer that it calls for many more grapes. In all of their liquid, fermenty goodness, of course. Try some Sauternes or a nice icewine once you've run out of Muscat. You may never need a cookie again.
7. You Prefer It French (Like Your Men)
Not only an oenophile, you're a total Francophile. To you, there are no other grapes; they must come from France, and only France. California wines? Please. Italian vino? Mais non!
However, your dirty little secret is that you're not a millionaire. Your dream trip is to the vineyards of Bordeaux to enjoy a true Cabernet Sauvignon, but your pennies just aren't filling the jar enough.
The compromise? Inexpensive French wines, such as Grand Bateau Blanc and Joseph Drouhin LaForêt Chardonnay, retail for under 20 bucks and make you a superstar among your wine lover friends.
8. You're a Total Sucker for an Awesome Label
Screw pretense and flavor. You're in it for the art. Believe it or not, some of the wines with cool labels actually taste good, too. But so what if they don't? The empty bottle makes an excellent candle holder. Drinking these wines tells the world you throw convention out the damned window.
9. You Need Wine Low-Carb (or Low-Cal)
Remember when the Atkins and South Beach diets were all the rage? They emphasized ingesting protein-rich foods while shunning carbohydrates, defined as "Delicious stuff everyone wants to shove into his or her cakehole. Hey, did someone say cake??"
Carbs are nasty because they turn into sugar in your body, unlike a paleo-friendly steak. Dry wine is low in carbs to begin with, but only if you don't scarf an entire bottle in one sitting. Another problem? Many, many calories. How can something so delicious be so hateful?
Never fear - low-calorie wines are here to rescue you from your woes! So if you're out with the ladies and drinking a sparkling Skinnygirl Prosecco, you're going to be immediately identified as someone who cares about her health. Ugh. Uh…we mean, good for you!
Does It Really Matter?
Maybe you don't even care what your favorite wine says about you. You want to enjoy it in peace, maybe with some cheese and crackers. Maybe as a wine slushy at your favorite festival (wine with a spoon - mmmmmm)! Or sitting on a park bench, the bottle camouflaged in a paper bag. Whatever your desire, the vineyards of the world thank you for your patronage. Cheers!